hibernated….

dormant for a while….

busted…..

What the world has gone into?

News says: Metro hit by power outages

But aren’t we hit already? Take an example last week, MERALCO declared that they would increase the bill charges P1.73 per kilowatt hour (kWh). What the effin’ craze is that? Recently they just adjusted the meter to let the consumers know they care. As if it taking its toll now they are re-adjusting and according to management: not a Meralco rate increase but merely to recover adjustments in both the December 2006 and January 2007 generation and system loss charges,” says Meralco president and chief operating officer Jesus P. Francisco.

WOW! As in wow!

They lower it down to ¼ of the charges then charges back thrice of what they lowered it down to. Very nice move. Subtle and very substantial.

Now with the submerging issue of a damaged transformer in the Dolores, Rizal substation, they would rotationally shut down; Mandaluyong, Pasig, Marikina, Taguig and Quezon City, Cainta, Angono, Taytay, Binangonan, Antipolo, San Mateo and Rodriguez, all in Rizal province.

And according to them this is to avoid a metro wide black out affecting all cities. What a craze, right? With the El Nino convergence and the ever eclectic weather we have. What will become of us? Personally I may not have the biggest qualms in this infestations but try to think of those small-sized establishments plus the stores who mainly generates their income through meager utmost.

Yet twice in 1-day with a 3-hour interval is a bit of nuisance even to the simplest being requiring electricity to move on with his life. Damn!

Good luck that is!

The only thing we can do now is prepare. Just that.

10 to top, cliché lines at HOOK-UPS

Hook-ups. Here and there. Discreetly or hidden, in fact sometimes blunt and dull. Whatever it maybe still there would be unforgettable lines that you say or had said that tickles your funny bone and makes you crack your nuts in a shell. Here are some I have pared, savor;

1. Do you have a name? - of course Dumbo, every parent that’s in their right mind would name their child, right?

2. Top or Bottom? - Argh! This stings sometime!

3. Do you have a place? - Planning to play some tricks?

4. You are rocking my scene! - Huh? Mais, maiz, mays, maize… very cornish to hear!

5. Are you alone? - I’ll check, hmmmm…. for the past 5min not until you came? YES!

6. Can I have your number? - Oh sure…. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7… still not enough? 8 9 and 10…blah..blah..blah

7. Where we at? - Planet earth…. yipee!!

8. Are you waiting for someone? - You, cliché huh, why in the world would I stand on my Wade shoes for 15min if am not into your booty? Clear thought? Beats me!

9. Do you have a rubber? - Of course…. emergency exits!!

10. Mind if I buy you a drink? - Sure! Booty call here I come….whopeee!!

and counting… damn those lines really evolves and integrates, germinates even. Some of them may even blow your mind and some, really? Might have pulled trigger and shot myself for eww-ness!!

Barred it up!

A new list of lawyers have been declared by the Supreme Court, avowed Friday March 26^th of 2010 at 6 pm..

Taking the board last September and October of last year, 1, 451 out of 5,903 examinees made it to the list. Remembering last years devastation of typhoon “Ondoy” was the last examination week which they rescheduled to resume October 4^th in which should have been final-ed on the month of September as traditionally held.

Declared passing rate was 24.58 percent. My Tito Eddie Nachura, Associate Justice and chairman of the 2009 Committee on Bar Examinations, aforementioned the disqualification grade in Taxation has been lowered from 49 percent to 45 percent and the passing grade for last year’s exams was lowered from 75 percent to 71 percent.

San Beda College (SBC) topped it all out. Reinier Paul R. Yebra getting 84.8 percent, Charlene Mae C. Tapic a Bedan as well garnered 84.6 percent, third spot acquired by John Paul T. Lim of the Ateneo de Manila University (AdMU) with 84.5 percent, next Caroline P. Lagos of UP with 84.4 percent, then Eric David C. Tan of AdMU getting 84.05 percent and placing 6^th is Yves-Randolph P. Gonzalez of AdMU finishing 83.9 percent. 7^th slot was achieved by Joan Mae S. To of AdMU, 83.65 percent; Herminio C. Bagro III of UP with 83.4 percent and Timothy Joseph N. Lumauig of AdMU with 83.2 percent. Completing the successfull 10 are both from AdMU, Naealla Rose M. Bainto and Shiela Abigail O. Go, tied in the tenth place with 83.1 percent.

San Beda College, Ateneo de Manila University and University of the Philippines made it again to the top.

Big round of applause ladies and gentlemen for our new lawyers, cheers to everyone, doing the best of it all. I may not be a friend or a foe but I support each and everyone who made it to achieve their dreams and aspirations.

 http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/249691/1451-out-5903-pass-2009-bar-exams

10 to top - Break up lines…. nah, this is still the usual crap!!!

Lame? Yeah I know, it’s been there and all have done it already but in anyway you say it Top 10 will always be top ten. It’s just a matter of a make or a breaker thing that makes it cute and funny.

Here’s my firstborn.

Oh yeah you did! Jeez! A simple “it’s not working” or “I don’t like you” would have sufficed but due to its blatant after effect, literary geniuses came up with lots of dustup to evince the message itself. Euphimism some call it but in so many ways you come up to it and say “THE” word. You just can’t help it but cry and wallow. You’ve been dumped for crying out loud! Of course it will sting.

1. It’s not you, it’s me! 

2. I am not yet ready! 

3. I am not into relationship!

4. I have fears that I need to overcome!

5. I am waiting for someone!

6. I need space and time.

7. We have our differences.

8. I don’t deserve you.

9. You are so perfect for me.

10. I need to mature on my own.

See what I mean, go excogitate!

2010

Election time once again. Debacle of automation has been declared limp. Somebody won, everyone else are just spectator of the show.  Whew! A lot really transpired, some are happy that the reign of the omnipresent seems to be fading to history, some are tired of the ubiquity, the heydays and the deliberation of this hysterics, some are in awe of what will happen to the future.

Question though: what will really happen? Hmmmmm?

This promises end of suffrage, that offers safety and security, him speech acts livelihood, they prognosticates end of corruption, it proffers vox populi and what about US, we, the people? Are we just gonna stay point-blank? Most of us are already hesitant, some are doubtful and all of us are gonna fall to false pretenses one more time. Him declaring has-beens, that losing a family ardour, wow! that sounds oh so original. Reaching for a spotlight perhaps into the hearts and some heartfelt sympathy? Why oh why oh why.

I myself have been deaf, numb and in recluse of all the mendacious hopes these politicians are engaging us. Tsk.tsk.tsk.

Over and over again, they bow down at your feet, kiss you even just to get your favorable nod and affection. They sweep you off your feet of their sweet nothings and embellishes their self with humbleness and positivity. All they would do and for what? Because you are special, in demand,in heat and in focal. After such, where would us be? We don’t even have to guess!

I hope I am wrong, very wrong. I wish I am wrong, so wrong.

But history keeps on repeating itself, from one ruling to another, mistake after another. More often than not this has already been a pattern, pathetic I guess yet the trend showed us a lot in milestone. Learning from our mistakes should be our priority so as not to delve into the same old putt.

People, please think of what you are about to do. It is not always about you. Suffrage here and there, poverty all over the metro, both rural and urban jungles, you just don’t think of yourself. This nation needs help and another blister to our history ought to heal sometime. The deed you make correct on May elections would be an embark to a future that everybody has hoped for. In this lifetime you only have a chance, that one chance that would embody the true Filipino in you.

Keeping love real

Love is what is left when the passion has gone. Then comes commitment.

Powerful tug on my part. Never thought it would be like this hard. Falling in love has never been my forte, I’ve been there, hurt, messed-up and done that. It shook my whole sense and groping things back to normal ain’t that easy, honey!

Networking sites promoting friendship and mate plus sex has been the modality, not that am against it since it has been the diatonic scale of meeting people and having fun is one of the agenda and name of the game itself, newbie as I am never thought it would be this hard / easy / preemptive, confusing huh? Be in my shoe for a difference!

Yes, I am in favor of the norm but the way it is handled is not quite what I have in mind and appeals to me the least. But how does one keep love real? Got to test it a couple of times already and most of it ends up having sex, not that I am bad on it and I can guarantee money back but does creating relationships just a cliche, overrated and understated? Is the basis of a good relationship nowadays is how good you are in bed? Moaning? I am a hopeless romantic type so I don’t buy the idea of sex as the foundation of a lasting relationship.

Being queer gives you the edge of living the alternative lifestyle that they claim to be so fabulous and lavish yet it is not, as it condones and molests the mere idea of love into a spastic one-night affair.

So here’s the fact: if you decide to meet up with the person, you have two choices; to like and and dislike. If you detest the persons profile and assets, you get to lick and ditch plus move to the next palate. The other case, liking the behalf, you get to lick and keep. Fair? Am guessing not! What has the world gone into? Dick tasting fora?

I know am being judgmental here but can we still keep love real or they just happen on reel life? Or shall we conclude lust empowers the passion and emotions that we should conjure and savor.

My, my, my.

Lost: wandering soul unattended

Do I really need a soul searching medley? In what tune would I dance the night away?

I haven’t been the same since I joined the haystack of the banal, sinner and the judged. Right now being here at this crossroad, I never seem to reach a conclusion, is it just me or I tend to stay away from what I am. I am tired but is it just my way of thinking that makes me nerve-wrecked every single time?

My work is doing the finest it can ever be, in fact I excel, in most prominent ways I can, redeeming myself has never been this good, the fact that I am helping, I am also learning. Was this am supposed to do and be? Career-wise am on track, I can manage. I can devour what I want. Tricks I can manage, control and plan for, as they are tangible and has fixed outcomes, if they go haywire there are a lot of back ups you can grab and alleviate the missing parts.

Physically am withstanding but I haven’t had the time to be checked by professionals yet I want to. A need to tone and maintain is all I need. I can’t complain of the physical assets dear Lord has bestowed upon me, thankful that I am what I am. There are flaws here and there, they can’t be just non-sense as they partake half of me being human. As Tyra Banks always says, not all of your feature is perfect but it’s your job to conceal it make them believe you are. Dealing with the criticism I have come to be on track. Maybe some clear and daunted marks here and there but they are tacky-toast only, they’ll go at some point in time. Bear with it or deal with it, it’s me, other people can’t change it, so am I. So why not love it. Leave or stay. That’s me. And will stand by that.

Oh enough about me!

Ego anyone?

I think of falling in love

Is there such a thought?

Me on my part, I guess yes. Thinking of the pros and cons makes me wonder. The what-if’s and the maybe’s, you can’t blame me, am a Leo for crying out loud. I make things complicated than they already are and over-analysis is my thrust and I propel o’er it.

Have I declared defeat and submission? I really don’t know. I wanna ask but it detriments me from doing so. He’s very towering, physically and emotionally, stable in means of everything. I maybe just one of the bumps he collides with in his lifetime journey. But I guess one thing that I can be more thankful of is the respect and the knowledge that he shares with me. Condescendingly, is there a possibility? Sure thing there are two sides of the equation but would I like the answers on both? Relatively I can only hope and dream. He lives by the saying “Together nothing is impossible”, hopeless romantic? In what is vibed, he is more stable than what you think he is.

Here I go again. Puzzled, bugged and adamant. I’ve been here before, I know the outcome, would I still risk the milestones? My friend tells me, yes, as it is worth your while and a merit trying for but personally I don’t wanna cry anymore, been there, done that and it really is painful. Journeys are about learning and having fun and making the most out of it. I wanna juggle with it, roll with it but my mind is hesitant and constraint about the fact. My heart says green for the intersection but my mind declares red. I am gay and fickle-minded, redundant I suppose huh? But what will I do? I don’t wanna think no more as it ruins every moment.

I wanna live life as it springs but I don’t wanna loose sight of the future, all of which are on my very own hands. The only problem is which one goes first? Left or to the right? Transverse as it is, as complicated as it is the fact that I’m aging and nothing is happening what I expected for it to ravel, should I let go and embrace the clangor? Very torn and messed up by faulty decisions in my lifetime but isn’t it what life is all about learning and improving? Should I rummage more thoughts, apply what-if’s, be the connoisseur of questions unanswered and just sit and mock? I really don’t know! I am tired! If this is just one of those phase that you get to telltale, why not? It’s worth a jitter but am not prepared to fall and get hurt again! My mind says no but my hearts says go!

What will I do?

I wanna let loose and let hesitations adrift yet half of me syllabicates disaster with a capital D in it, am afraid to face the winds but something whirls deep inside me and spells FUN in big, black and bold. Should I gamble? Or should I partition myself first? How? And is it possible? Am parking my pen but I still have hundredfold of questions hurling around my skull, thinking aches! I hate it!

The Beyond-See (Beyonce) Experience

So tiring.

Whew!

I never thought of that when I was doing it on a daily basis though. It figures, am I getting old already and my nerves are not coping up with me?
 

Well, to start with, we had this office affair, black masquerade and all. Name it, glamour, pulchritude, posse, seduction, and sophistication to sept a few. Dating back history early 15th century, in celebration of the Venetian Carnival, involving music, dance, singing and acting. Nowadays it has been so elaborate and fabulous integrating intricate masks, colorful feathers and gorgeous ballgowns. Concealment is the name of the game in which you need to guess who is behind the maschera.

And as we celebrated “Our Dark Side” I promised my friends to show them my dark side, yep I had a separate life and that was before “maturity et al”. Well, that’s what am labelling it for as I have come to age about being youthful and celebrating it and expressing what and who you really are and wants to be. I guess that was 4 years ago, being in a cocoon for so long made me realise its not only a butterfly that is in there but also a soul dying for release and freedom. Heck! That was so long ago that I have already chosen and taken the path I am now accustomed and comfortable living to. And to stir things off, I performed together with 12 other talented individuals. In a suit, sexy, revealing and oh-so-hot! Just imagine me, a week ago donning a goatee and beard and then the next in a make-up fully done, dressed from top to toe. Picture Lady Gaga in Alexander McQueen creations, not that exact, a bit mussy on the edges but the execution? Bam! Picture perfect!

Cliché? Hmm, not really! It’s just for fun and not for good. I missed it, yes. But not really into plunging with it again. You can say it’s just satisfying the crave or the thirst.

Conceptualizing it, was oh so easy. Planning was a bit messy. And execution was a bit gruesome, hell yeah! I can never imagined that I have been doing this everyday before. Yep! You heard it right! This was my daily routine before going to work, it was like everyday was a party and a “big opening night”. Hair, dress, accessories, name it and especially the shoes, carefully selected, matched and sometimes just to create a havoc or two defies fashion and rebels from time to time becoming a fashion disater. I was the Carrie Bradshaw of Burgundy! And I was happy, very happy. Being it all.

As the hardest part of all? Money! Yes, moolah! All boils down to the expenses. From haircare to accessories, to maintanance and testings, to product miscibility, takes a lot of toll, really! I can only envisage. How in the world was I able to maintain that prestige?

Right now? I can only imagine. Believe moi!

…whore in ME…

No strings attached. Maybe its the craze or the in-thing now a days, I can’t really fathom but the experience, one helluva ride. The thrill and the adventure is there yet am also thinking of the repercussions, the what-ifs and the what-woulds, who cares, it was a night I won’t ever forget.

Singapore White Chicken

Hear ye, hear ye! Binge mode ahead!

Knight in shining Prada

I have searched far and wide, lo and behold but to my might it was just an endless search and hopeless gestate. I stopped. Thinking it was just a waste of time.

Who would have thought, it was still unrecluse. My Romeo came. Not what you have in mind though. He was there, in the flesh. With lips so subtle and skin so palatal, I could die right there and then. I thought I was dreaming, but then he kissed me, I was drowned with my own thoughts. Lord be it true or I may cause havoc for this man to be true.

Ding, ding, ding! THINK, THINK THINK. My heart was over my head again, not thinking straight, just focusing what was present and what was elusive. It was reachable but for how long, it lingered but just for a split second. I held tight but it wasn’t real. I tried grasping but it vanished to thin air.

Here’s what happened, literally; it was not a Snow-White-kinda-fairytale of course but won’t you let me be? This is the first, you know, a gay can only dream. Of course taken into consideration what really transpired yet let me do the talking…. a … a … not a word please….. oops! No buts…. let me finish……. hush!…. so settle okay?

There I was, a single gal, relieving the stress of the whole week there was, mind you, it was far more than that, if I could add but that would be a whole lot of a different story. So focus, here it comes. Laughter, fun, hysterics, Palawan 2 could be a home and a destination in one, it will ease your pain and let go of your sufferings even for one night only. The show went with much witticism. Loved it actually. As every good thing comes to and end, Voila! The disco went cognizant. Alive as my nerves are, this guy cruised me out and hunter as I am, checked him out as well. Cute, dark and mysterious, not your usual assemblage and me a sucker for dark and Orphic visage, went sparkly and jittery. At first it was my inner noesis that controlled every emotion bottled but my heart said let go, go for it, try and know him. So I exclaimed “nice tattoo” he was dressing this Angelina Jolie like prayer like encryption that hooked my eyes for a while.

We talked or so I thought or maybe the spirit of the drink inhabited me already. Naturally am a silent hag but when things get filled up my mouth does the thinking plus the talking and while we are it, I flirted, if you know what I mean. I know. I can be irresistible sometimes. Ha! You be the perfect creature, ego right? Hahahaha .

So there it goes, scuttlebutt here, flirt there again peach here, we were like all over the place. And as Cinderella’s clock ticked 4, he needs to go. I understood. My queer world already knew what to do. You can’t be caught dead by morning wearing a blue Escada and matching yellow Dela Renta right? So he flew and by that we exchanged digits and all. Me? Single and dateless as I am, went home. Alone! What? You thought I’d be fucking my brains out? Na-ah! I am that easy to get but I play it hard to be in bed, if you know what I mean. I am but a horny queer but am an advocate of safe sex so it’s still a compliment when I go home alone, happy and satisfied with all the partying and flirting!

And then snoring followed…….. I am but wasted and all that, so dahlin’ please let me sopor, okay?

First Date Mesh

Hitting it or hewning it.

 I guess that’s the big trademark of dating even before, straight and gay alike. But I am not here to give focal on our counterpart, we queer have already much dilemma in our hands to be devout on single straight people, no offense meant that’s all!

 I myself have been on just days ago, I kept on wondering how it takes all your time and strength from the preparation from top to toe physically and emotionally, not to mention the what-if’s and the maybe’s and toxicity of all first dates. As they say first impression lasts, and tell me they don’t I’ll beat you to pulp because they really do and they matter a lot.

 There I was, anxious and hesitant but I just went on anyway. What have I got to loose, right? But to my dismay I did lost something, my heart. No, no, no am not spoiling anything in fact I am just teasing. Want to hear more? Sure? No more begging here it goes.

 From all dates I’ve had he was the most irritating and ego-spastic hombre that I have been with, he did the talking ¾^Th of the time but I was not so sure why I fell in. We or he talked about everything and anything under the sun, basking from hobbies, lifestyle and even personal and intimate details. He was the most pessimistic and negative of all vetoes and I was swooshed to a trance and got hooked up. A thought came to me while we were tattling, opposites really do attract. That thought lingered and for a while I just cerebrated that maybe it’s a twist of fate. Nonetheless I am smitten.

 After all that was, I felt falling or so I mentated.

 Then there it came, two days and no hellos, judgment as it was, with all the responses and gestures, was I a deal maker or a breaker? It kept me thinking, what did I do that ticked him off. I replayed every conversation and upshots, what could have been so wrong that it made an impression so blackball that even a greeting nor a hate reply is so hard to commence. Can’t find any in fact maybe he was not just into me. Funny how it ended, I remembered a movie of the same title and most of the lines that were uttered were mostly true and definitive to what I have been through, while watching the movie I was like in hysterics as I never intellected for it to be true. Alas! It was! So real and apodictic it hurt. Rummaging from my collection, played the movie again and bam! There it is! This was just what happened and I figured out what he was talking about and I felt crying, after all as everything have been said and done what you can only do is learn from that horrid occurrence.

 Now am back on the bandwagon again. Single. Dating. Hopeful.

It’s all about sex.

As Michael Novotny said, it’s all about sex.

S      E       X

Plain, simple and no hang-ups. Nothing more, nothing less. A big turn-off or maybe its just me and my big dream of a fairytale ending and happy ever after. A friend always reminds me, bars are not your relationship haven but hard-headed as I am, I still saunter and scrutinize. I should know better. I had the taste of my meds just last night; hot, hunky, tall and dark, what else could you ask for. Eyed him for several minutes and voila, dinner was served. And guess what was the first thing that he uttered, damn right it was, the formidable TOP or BOTTOM question. Hah! I know that was coming alright!

Can’t seem to fathom why is it hard to commit but for the sake of arousal and “itch” in a snap its a realism, odd how since if you’ll take it into consideration, one is life-long and the other is just ephemeral. Question: Are you born with it? Is there such a relationship-repelling-soul? And how would you know or gauge that you are that person? I know lot of couples, be it straight or gay battles a lot of issues, fight here, dustup there, I mean endless. I know for a fact they’re happy but scarring-wise haven’t figured out what is it that makes them stay and linger for good. I know some that only stages a flaunt of what seems to be a unique union but deep inside, hatred and fury entails the wedlock. I believe it smells bitterness up there but what can I do, been there and done it so far, counting all of them as blessings makes me curse the hell out of me.

I know am a drama queen, a charmed one and bitch molded into one, who would have ever guessed am a hopeless romantic….. but isn’t all of us? In more ways than one, we’re similar. Yet why does it still sting when unwrapped? Truth what they say that reality bites and snaps! Funny how qoutes try to dissemble out what you feel. It incurs you real hard. Many of us just shrugs but in corporealty it austerely injures us.

Nowadays, is it a crime to be such a hopeless romantic? In a gayman’s world is the only important essence of being a queer is getting laid and fucked? Intellectual aside, we know that the queendom is full of talented and gifted causal agent.

Cheers to getting laid!

Credentials

I should be happy yet am not.

Others said be thankful that you’re out of the queue and you’re not taking in the load. What the effin’ status is that? BLoating? a BUM and at the same time FLOATING? I won’t afflict myself to that. I so very love my base and being on top of it is what am good at, so why now? Hmmm. Maybe just maybe things happen for a very good reason, a reason so vague I can’t even start thinking.

Pour over some thoughts, will you?

the mesh and the mash

would this be my 2010?
a multitude of partying, non-stop gyrating and limitless booze?

Again, what’s happening?
All of a sudden am back at the crossroads, I thought I was past beyond that!

High Fashion. High Maintenance.

How in the world do I attract such magnitude?

I am but a simpleton. I don’t have any figures to boast but I end up with these beautiful creatures. In every sense of it, is what I mean.

Take Guy#1 a European jetsetter, traveling around the world as well as the local scenery and just “spinning it”; I guess he’s what you call a royalty with a twist. Met him at a bar on a Friday night, shared a dinner or two, had some crazy, clean and fun nights! Awesome! I couldn’t ask for more and up till now we ring and wire messages, sweet nothings and all as he wants to slow things down as he is battling his own “demon”. Funny for me but I respect where he is coming from. Settled? Oh yeah, as I’ve said I couldn’t ask for more.

Here comes Guy#2 a celebrity, primadonna and stylista. My kind of concerto that is. I like him and that’s all that ever matters “but” he’s born with a silver spoon, yep! You read it right, out of my league if you’ll ask me yet as I was enchanted with his charms, he was so down to earth in an ethereal kind of way and he was simple in an imperial subtle way. He may not have a Midas’s touch but in all the time I’ve been talking to him it spelled grandeur and magnificence. I am no Princess Di if that’s the realization am about to ponder. Would it just be a fiction like the Lady and the Tramp in the light of Love? I think I am falling in love and that’s all that matters.

Too early to tell on what will happen next. I don’t want to hope as I have walked on that same hadj before and was badly hurt and beaten.

To hope or not to. Would I have a “happily ever after”?

Do more. Be more.

How?

Gut feel?

I can’t, feels like something is restricting what I want and need to do. All of these ideas, hope I can put them to good use and make money out of it. They just swing out of nowhere and poof, gone! Not even saying goodbye and creeps the hell out of me. Maybe there is still something out there for me, I can feel it but am too hopeless to try and make it out. I want to be somebody but why does it feels like you’re being pulled out from where you are standing, they say positive thinking follows an act yet in so many ways am trying to, it doesn’t seem to fall into my grasp. I want to believe in my abilities, others, believe in it and tried it but why not me? Am I incapacitated? Am I not enough? What do I need to do to boost my confidence, what I really thought is, am there to that level of being what I can be but in the midst of fear I sulk and mitigate my own self and dropping myself into this pit of nonsense. Here I am again. Not knowing what to do, I hope my sibling is here to talk to, just a talk, a simple talk that is, I miss her. Really miss her.

I feel like am choking and I have nowhere to go. Suffocating and realizing what a fool am trying, to figure out things, to ponder and evaluate things out but seems like nothing is coming through. It might sound assuring, the looks and the aura but don’t let that fool you. I planned to soar high. Not even lifting myself from the ground, I already calculated risk. Is that fair and just? Other said try to cross the bridge when you get there. On the other hand if the bridge is not made of sturdy material, what do I need to bring, what do I need to do, what are the consequences that I will take before that crossing? I know, paranoid am I, huh? Why, why, why, why? Do I really need to be like this? Jumping to conclusion, elaborating a well laid plan and executing them at the right time and place. I get bored when all I see is simple, I get bored not thinking and complicating things out. What in the world do I need to do? I promised myself that I will change this but lo and behold am stuck again with the same ways and even cunning to my very own self, I cheat. I make myself believe. A friend told me not to think twice. Don’t stick with the plan. Let things happen in their own pace. Breathe. Relax. I can’t. Again why? Why is it so hard for me to let go? I can’t believe that on my reaping years, yes I am 27, I am still a stuck up. A nobody. A joke. But a beautiful joke that is. I am tired. Why can’t it be? Why can’t I be like others?

I remember once this interview I had, I thought I had it, in the bag, plan fully laiden, well executed and articulated. Bingo! Result came, not even the tenth of the list had I made it. Ouch! It hurt, crazy, like hell hath no fury. So I let go, by that I mean 3 months tops. I recovered. Hence another opportunity came, made some calls and got one. I planned to let go, let loose, not thinking about it, letting it fly. The other time it failed, I made things platonic and scripted, in short well-rehearsed. This time, extemporaneous and out of the box. Boom! Same thing! Now what did I do? In both ways I failed. How? What should I do? And you know what, the sad part is, you really felt that it was yours and by the very end of it, it fell out of reach. Why? Never have I imagined how powerful “why” is up until now.

I know I can but why?

Help please.

p.s.

I am just beside you, asking again, WHY? And again, WHY? (end credits till fade, soft piano is heard.)

Gay Straight Men vs Straight Gay Men

During one of the marathons of Sex and the City with Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t stop thinking how is it possible? But I guess it is. Have we cropped already and they are in the midst of us? How is it possible?

Gay straight men. Defined as men that has an enhanced feminine side of personality, the sensibility of a woman in the mirage of a man, with the eloquence and grace of a femme in the muscles and physique of an Adonis while the other is a truly developed and a personality that has truly embraced the fuchsia and the velvet hues, how would I not know, am one of the legionary.

Now that’s been cleared up, it’s so hard to visualize how can it happen or better yet how can that develop? Not that it’s impossible as I have come to realize that in this day and age, everything is perfectly possible, from human cloning to advanced gadgetry, name it and you’ll have a patent on it already. Yep! All true, not just the usual crap. No need to dissect the straight gaymen, am a living example and a lot others I know. So let’s focus more on gay straight men, odd and peculiar in ways more than one, actually this is the first time that I have pondered on the thought not that it’s a in a million

With all Gucci, Balenciaga and Dior in front of us, flaunting the very fashion that every men should be wearing nowadays, locally thanks to Folded and Hung, Bench and Topman that introduced the runway mode of dressing. Is it Martha Stewart or Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum? But whatever the reasons are, it’s conglomerating like a pandemic. Are we evolving or simply devolving? But exponentially, come to think of it, hasn’t it been the mode of todays generation? Maybe it’s evolution or maybe just a trend. Personally I won’t shell on the trend, it goes in and out and in some other ways they fade but evolution on the other hand grows and simply stays, sometimes its for good that even attracts others as well.

I guess it is a choice, an option to make when things are already in front of us, when we figured who we really are. But with all the phase we’ve grown to, I can’t seem to fathom how in the world did that mesh up?

So tiring and confusing.

Who are you?

A question quite intriguing even to the most learnt man. You may never know a person unless he reveals who he really is. He can portray a different persona but acts differently in more ways than one. Yeah you may say a bipolar or even schizophrenia but whatever tag it is it would still be the assonant as the psychosis may be the same and dangerous in some peculiar ways. Could we take it against them? I mean if it would be absolution who are we calling straight or gay nowadays? According to the Bible, we are created equally in His image and likeness but just a thought, does He think the way we do now? I don’t think so! It would be so irreverent to get into a gaymans mind. Ha! Don’t even dare to scan my thoughts, lazar!

Who is straight and who is not. Who is gay and who is not. Damn if we all know what tag to use and what not to.